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James Whitcomb Riley - "Tradin` Joe"
Work rating: Low

I`m one o` these cur`ous kind o` chaps
You think you know when you don`t, perhaps!
I hain`t no fool--ner I don`t p`tend
To be so smart I could rickommend
Myself fer a CONGERSSMAN my friend!--
But I`m kind o` betwixt-and-between, you know,--
One o` these fellers `at folks call "slow."
And I`ll say jest here I`m kind o` queer
Regardin` things `at I SEE and HEAR,--
Fer I`m THICK o` hearin` SOMETIMES, and
It`s hard to git me to understand;
But other times it hain`t, you bet!
Fer I don`t sleep with both eyes shet!

I`ve swapped a power in stock, and so
The neighbers calls me "Tradin` Joe"--
And I`m goin` to tell you `bout a trade,--
And one o` the best I ever made:

Folks has gone so fur`s to say
`At I`m well fixed, in a WORLDLY way,
And BEIN` so, and a WIDOWER,
It`s not su`prisin`, as you`ll infer,
I`m purty handy among the sect--
Widders especially, rickollect!
And I won`t deny that along o` late
I`ve hankered a heap fer the married state--
But some way o` `nother the longer we wait
The harder it is to discover a mate.

Marshall Thomas,--a friend o` mine,
Doin` some in the tradin` line,
But a`most too YOUNG to know it all--
On`y at PICNICS er some BALL!--
Says to me, in a banterin` way,
As `we was a-loadin` stock one day,--
"You`re a-huntin` a wife, and I want you to see
My girl`s mother, at Kankakee!--
She hain`t over forty--good-lookin` and spry,
And jest the woman to fill your eye!
And I`m a-goin` there Sund`y,--and now," says he,
"I want to take you along with ME;
And you marry HER, and," he says, "by `shaw I
You`ll hev me fer yer son-in-law!"
I studied a while, and says I, "Well, I`ll
First have to see ef she suits my style;
And ef she does, you kin bet your life
Your mother-in-law will be my wife!"

Well, Sundy come; and I fixed up some--
Putt on a collar--I did, by gum!--
Got down my "plug," and my satin vest--
(You wouldn`t know me to see me dressed!--
But any one knows ef you got the clothes
You kin go in the crowd wher` the best of `em goes!)
And I greeced my boots, and combed my hair
Keerfully over the bald place there;
And Marshall Thomas and me that day
Eat our dinners with Widder Gray
And her girl Han`!  *  *  *


            Well, jest a glance
O` the widder`s smilin` countenance,
A-cuttin` up chicken and big pot-pies,
Would make a man hungry in Paradise!
And passin` p`serves and jelly and cake
`At would make an ANGEL`S appetite ACHE!--
Pourin` out coffee as yaller as gold--
Twic`t as much as the cup could hold--
La! it was rich!--And then she`d say,
"Take some o` THIS!` in her coaxin` way,
Tell ef I`d been a hoss I`d `a` FOUNDERED, shore,
And jest dropped dead on her white-oak floor!

Well, the way I talked would `a` done you good,
Ef you`d `a` been there to `a` understood;
Tel I noticed Hanner and Marshall, they
Was a-noticin` me in a cur`ous way;
So I says to myse`f, says I, "Now, Joe,
The best thing fer you is to jest go slow!"
And I simmered down, and let them do
The bulk o` the talkin` the evening through.

And Marshall was still in a talkative gait
When he left, that evening--tolable late.
"How do you like her?" he says to me;
Says I, "She suits, to a `T-Y-TEE`!
And then I ast how matters stood
With him in the OPPOSITE neighberhood?
"Bully!" he says; "I ruther guess
I`ll finally git her to say the `yes.`
I named it to her to-night, and she
Kind o` smiled, and said `SHE`D SEE`--
And that`s a purty good sign!" says he:
"Yes" says I, "you`re ahead o` ME!"
And then he laughed, and said, "GO IN!
And patted me on the shoulder ag`in.

Well, ever sense then I`ve been ridin` a good
Deal through the Kankakee neighberhood;
And I make it convenient sometimes to stop
And hitch a few minutes, and kind o` drop
In at the widder`s, and talk o` the crop
And one thing o` `nother.  And week afore last
The notion struck me, as I drove past,
I`d stop at the place and state my case--
Might as well do it at first as last!

I felt first-rate; so I hitched at the gate,
And went up to the house; and, strange to relate,
MARSHALL THOMAS had dropped in, TOO.--
"Glad to see you, sir, how do you do?"
He says, says he!  Well--it SOUNDED QUEER:

And when Han` told me to take a cheer,
Marshall got up and putt out o` the room--
And motioned his hand fer the WIDDER to come.
I didn`t say nothin` fer quite a spell,
But thinks I to myse`f, "There`s a dog in the well!"
And Han` SHE smiled so cur`ous at me--
Says I, "What`s up?"  And she says, says she,
"Marshall`s been at me to marry ag`in,
And I told him `no,` jest as you come in."
Well, somepin` o` `nother in that girl`s voice
Says to me, "Joseph, here`s your choice!"
And another minute her guileless breast
Was lovin`ly throbbin` ag`in my vest!--
And then I kissed her, and heerd a smack
Come like a` echo a-flutterin` back,
And we looked around, and in full view
Marshall was kissin` the widder, too!
Well, we all of us laughed, in our glad su`prise,
Tel the tears come A-STREAMIN` out of our eyes!
And when Marsh said "`Twas the squarest trade
That ever me and him had made,"
We both shuck hands, `y jucks! and swore
We`d stick together ferevermore.
And old Squire Chipman tuck us the trip:
And Marshall and me`s in pardnership!
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